Post by tallstone on Mar 15, 2009 11:29:42 GMT -5
TALLSTONE
as soon as forever is through, I'll be over you.
[/font][/color]as soon as forever is through, I'll be over you.
[/blockquote][/color]
The middle-aged tom was still staring wistfully at the forest, the rising sunlight that trickled through the tall oaks reflected in his paler, but not quite lifeless, gaze. It was still there, that pain, but it had numbed considerably, as it always did when another cat entered his presence. Not much of the clan knew about Northwind and himself; they never noticed the tense air that constantly around him or how she would smile that horribly fake smile of hers, smiles that quite reached her eyes. And although at first, Tallstone had accepted this - understood why she wouldn't, couldn't love him the way he loved her - the moons became so treacherous, so unbearable terrible. He had loved her, great StarClan! He did whatever she asked without question, nodding happily when she asked him to take her place on the patrol, to go fetch some moss for her, to go get breakfast. He gave her everything he had and even when there was no more to give, she was asking for more? What did she want from him?
It was then that he learned that, perhaps - no, definitely, just loving someone was not enough. It would never be enough, not for him anyway.
Sucking in his breath, the tom tried adverting his thoughts to something else but the darker. sullen nature that had replaced his formerly quiet, modest one seemed to be stubborn in not making him feel any better; it was as if, he was thinking, in the moons to come he would never know true happiness, as he had never before. It was his fault for being born this way, for falling in love with someone who not only could not love him back, but also decided to betray him with some rogue. Tallstone sighed again, tearing his wistful gaze away from the breathtaking scenery.
It reminded him of Morninglight -- the golden-pelted she-cat that was sort of his friend but not really, the one that had managed - ever so faintly - to subdue the aching pain in his heart that no cat had ever been able to do before, the fellow warrior that he wasn't sure where he stood with her on terms of relationship. Every time he saw her, he was surprised to see the warmth that lit up her eyes and the happiness that filled her smile. It was then that the realized it; she was pretty too, in that gentle, modest way that only cats like him - like her - could ever be. Offering a quiet absent-minded smile to whoever - might have - been watching him, laced with the polite etiquette that his father had burned into his soul, the tom blinked quietly, shifting -- the gesture was quick, unnoticeable but to whoever cared, it was obvious - just a flicker of movement was enough. In every moment - every patrol, every walk, every hunt - he had spent with her, she had, after all, noticed the small things, like him, too; not like Northwind.
His throat closed up again, not surprisingly, at the thought of his mate and he almost winced at the invisible pain that raked up and down his sides, catching himself. He wanted, so much, to cure himself; every time he saw her, he wanted to tell Morninglight this because maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to cure this invisible agony. Guilt clogged his throat suddenly, like a burr, and he wished that everytime he looked at her, his eyes weren't filled with anguish, or pain, or agony. He wished he could stop burdening her with this, not her who hadn't done anything wrong.
He sighed deeply, gazing at the deep-blue sky that reminded him so much of his dead son - the warmth, the happiness, the purity he used to surround his son, Talonpaw - and his living mate and her so blue-blue, tinged with teal, eyes that never failed to mesmerize him. Closing his eyes, he tried focusing his thoughts on lighter images -- his two sons, lighter brown and darkened mahogany, rushing through the clearing as kits. Talonkit, he remembered, was always a bright little thing, bustling with joy and capturing the attention of nearly every cat he met. Cinderkit - well, Cinderpaw - was more like himself -- soft, vulnerable, shy.
He blinked softly, licking his silver lips thoughtfully. The sun shone down on him, brilliant beams lighting his silver tabby coat, and his dark blue eyes flickered with a hidden emotion, wondering which one of his sons were really his. He had known, of course, of Northwind's affair and her pregnancy - one that Tallstone, himself, was not really attached to - before she did, or at least, that's how he felt. Sighing softly, he realized that it didn't matter. That he would love his sons, both dead and alive, all the same no matter who really did carry his blood. Raising one of his large paws - like the rest of him, he had grown into himself; he was no longer lanky and cumbersome, but towering and lean with thick muscles coiled underneath wide shoulders, though still in good control of himself and his size - to the ground, flexing his claws. That brought him back to Northwind -- she hadn't told him of her sin, not even after all this time. Not that, of course, he had expected her to.
As if he had felt someone watching him, he forced a smile and quietly dragged his eyes away from the blue sky that caused his heart to throb agonizingly, his breathing easing into a careful, cautious rhythm. Staring down at the ground, lips moving faintly in a careful hum, as he pressed a muddled paw into the dirt absently, as if lost in thought. It was quiet for a moment, but the silence was good. It almost warmed his broken heart.
Blinking rapidly at the sound of rushed, or rather dancing, pawsteps, Tallstone was shaken out of his trance and shifted, leaning on his right side. Flicking his ear in the direction of the sound, he breathed a sigh of relief once recognizing the scent as a stray squirrel and not Northwind's. Shoulders relaxing from tension, he stared down at the rippling waves below his paws, dark gaze burning at the painful image that was reflected back up at him.
The tom breathed again, gulping in the crisp air and his facade, though briefly, shattered - panic swimming beneath its depths. He was suddenly little Tallpaw - with an abnormal height, disproportional paws and desperate for agreement - who was running away from pretty Northpaw, too ashamed of yesterday's antics. The only thing different was that he didn't have anything to be ashamed off - he hadn't fallen in front of her, stumbled or blushed because, frankly, now that they were mates, what was there to be worried about? - but that still didn't change one very important fact.
His heart was still full of love for her and past those painful, flooding emotions was an even darker, sinful one. Despite being older, it didn't change the fact that she scared him. He feared her and she could, would, do to him. He was scared of the power she had over him.
He simply loved her too much.
"gosh. he makes me sad. D8" -x- 977 words ~ fini
