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Post by loststar on Aug 12, 2009 3:22:06 GMT -5
Loststar Whatever Loststar was expecting Tallstone to say, that was certainly the last thing on his mind. For a moment there was a deafening silence, laced with a soft tension that seemed to wipe Loststar’s mind completely clean. He blinked, completely nonplussed, staring intently at Tallstone as if he expected the tabby warrior to suddenly smile and yell out “Fooled you!” The façade he had been attempting to maintain, cool, collected, perfectly in control was forgotten as his former expression gave way to incredulous shock. He didn’t even know who she was…until the answer came to him, so perfect and crystal clear that he was surprised he did not think of it sooner.
Morninglight!
This idea was possibly more shocking that the previous information he had been given. If Tallstone was telling the truth…and Loststar didn’t doubt that, the pain was too raw on his strong features and he wouldn’t have stormed over to TealClan without a good reason, Morninglight was really pregnant. That idea struggled to form in Loststar’s mind. But Tallstone thought they were his…how on earth would that have occurred to Tallstone, if he didn’t know anything about their previous history.
Unless…and this thought seeped like a poison in Loststar’s mind, Morninglight had said something. His insides squirmed uncomfortably, not in fear or apprehension, but with feelings just as terrible because he knew he should have lost hope a long time ago. The fact that she might have had feelings for him, managed to make his heart lighter and heavier at the same time, because he knew what he had missed out on. He had had his big chance and blew it spectacularly.
Tallstone still stood there, at his paws, almost ready for a fight, his eyes flaming against the TealClan warrior that sat there and did nothing, made no move to his feet and there was no challenge in his eyes. Sadly, he wished they were his kits and his face almost flushed to admit it, this new burning desire that he might one day of a family. A horrific picture formed in his head, Morninglight in all her sun-washed colors next to a faceless stranger…a lump formed in his throat and he fought it back down. How could he have known, how could he have possibly known the pain he would cause himself when he left her…these matters of the heart had never occurred to him in his wayward youth. He could have had that, and having Tallstone in front of him now was a bitter reminder he didn’t need.
But StarClan knows, he wished they were his kits even if it meant a fight with this RavineClan warrior that seemed to have an intent interest in Morninglight that far surpassed friendship. Hadn’t he after all seen Tallstone at the gathering with a lovely dappled she-cat of rich hues? Now that that thought had peeked out, it rooted in his mind like an ensnaring vine. He was convinced he had…and now he regarded Tallstone with narrowed mis-matched eyes of chilling contrast to Tallstone’s flame-licked features. He was far too interested in Morninglight especially since Loststar was certain Tallstone was with his mate. It was bad enough that Tallstone had stormed over here in a fury to announce to Loststar that his former love was pregnant, and now he had the nerve to accuse the ebony tom of foul play?
Still, it didn’t seem like they were Tallstone’s kits…he seemed too convinced of the black tom’s guilt. Loststar tried not to dwell on the fact that meant Morninglight was with another tom, having already won over his heart and apparently Tallstone’s…the idea was unpleasant and he winced at the thought, trying in vain to push it out of his head once and for all. She deserved to be happy, he reminded himself. Even if that happiness wasn’t with him.
Loststar remained seated, eyeing Tallstone with a clear dislike and a cold rage that he didn’t have the energy to hide anymore. Perhaps in another life, they would have been friends, so alike in loyalty and strength. But now, for him to question Loststar’s loyalty to his clan, to assume that Loststar didn’t care for Morninglight’s feelings was blantantly disrespectful and low.
“She is not carrying my kits,” he responded coolly, flinching slightly at his words. How he wished that wasn’t true. “I haven’t seen her since the…last time.” He didn’t elaborate for he knew Tallstone would know what and who he was referring to. ‘And I would appreciate if you didn’t assume that you are the only one who cares about her,” he retorted, his hair bristling. “Because you’re not. Which, I have to add, I find rather interesting since I am quite certain YOU have a mate,” he hissed, his voice soft, muscles tense, although he still hadn’t stood up. This cat wasn’t worth his breath. “So don’t you dare bring my honor into question.”
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Post by tallstone on Aug 13, 2009 22:05:19 GMT -5
all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts.
[/color] He couldn't help it. Tallstone stared almost wide-eyed at the tom before him, smoldering blue eyes swimming with intense emotions that were impossible to identify even if he were to be the one to see them, to experience them. Honestly, he tried not to gape at the black tom before him - with his tongue hanging out, staring bug-eyed and all - but it was rather hard not to. The tabby warrior was unsure whether to be angry, afraid or impossibly stubborn at the denial.
Perhaps if Loststar had chosen other words, then maybe Tallstone wouldn't be so confused and lost. Perhaps he wouldn't be thinking all these things, wouldn't find himself lost at an imaginary fork in the road and wouldn't be wondering whether or not he was wrong - and that maybe he had assumed wrong and even more so, he didn't have the grounds to make any such assumptions on. However, with the choice of words of the large black tealclan tom with bi-colored eyes, he felt every assumption speed up in all the wrong directions, shooting from every single edge and crevice that existed within him. With the way that Morninglight and Northwind and Loststar and so many other cats had led him, it was a surprise that Tallstone hadn't already combusted with genuine confusion.
First there was Morninglight. After their special night together, Tallstone had been a little more than ecstatic. He had even gone as far as to ditch his mate time and time again - she seemed to pretty and dense and selfish to notice these constant absences anyway, either that or she didn't care a mouse for them - to go looking for the fair-haired, green-eyed maiden that had stolen his heart. In contrast to popular thinking, he had forgotten about it -- the night in it's all its glory and detail buzzed around in his brain now, fizzing a sort of passion in his heart that he didn't think he had ever felt before. That's right; not even with Northwind. Never with her.
But Tallstone wasn't stupid - maybe a little dense, especially at the situation that he was in right now, but not idiotic. Within the first few hours of searching for her, noticing her shy and awkard glances towards him, her flushed features, he could aptly see that she was trying to avoid him. It was not even that they kept on missing each other, that the common warrior duties constantly kept them apart as they may also have, it was that she didn't want to be near him, she didn't want to talk to him -- as if that night had been shameful. In Tallstone's mind, if he didn't know Morninglight any better than the sweet, perfect warrior (almost queen, he remembered with a cringe) that she was, he would have assumed that she didn't want anything to do with him. And that possibility made his heart ache enough for him to stop fantasizing about any possibility of a future that they might have had and wondering if he would ever stand next to the sunkissed warrior in the same way he had used to stand next to Northwind.
That didn't mean that Tallstone had forgotten or that he intended to leave her alone. No, that was quite the opposite. Because, no matter how much he wanted the ache in his heart to stop and wanting to be by her side, the blue-gray tabby tom still had a tiny bit of hope instilled in his heart that all of this was just a misunderstanding. He hoped that one day Morninglight would come to her senses and all that implications she had told him on that evening would come true -- that she liked him just as much as he liked her and would do anything to be with him. Not once had Tallstone had every really experienced a pure, flawless emotion such at this - something that was so impossibly close to love that he didn't want to let go of it.
Yet, in the instant that the warrior had been told of Morninglight having kits, his mind went blank -- and the only emotion that seemed to fill it was rage. Not rage at the suspecting tom -- who, according to Loststar's denial, was not the black tom standing right before him. Not rage at Morninglight for doing this to him because if she really loved the time she was having kits with - and of this, he had no doubt; she would only do that with a tom she liked, had fallen for because that simply was who she was - then the ache hurt less. No, it was anger at himself for being so blindsided by this, like the fool he had been with Northwind, and wanting to rip something apart for once. At the time, Loststar had seemed to be the only reasonable applicant -- the only tom that he knew of that had seemed to have relations - that Morninglight had only been vauge about, enough to make Tallstone painfully curious - with.
The tom's stared, the wideness in his eyes dimming and shock placed with genuine confusion, for a moment before settling on the ends of his paws, leaning backwards gently. His face was then composed into the same mixture of confusion, of coolness, of calmness that Loststar's was -- no matter the situation, showing such vulnerable emotions in front of a cat from another clan was simply unacceptable . What a strange thing to be thinking, however, when they were speaking of events that intruded the lines of clans, and delved into the most personal circumstances that one could think of.
If Tallstone had been sane in mind and heart, he might have also knew exactly what Loststar was speaking about -- but since he wasn't, his paws shaking with complete confusion and distaste for the entire situation (not particular cats, mind you), he had no choice but to narrow his eyes suspiciously. "Last time?" he echoed, incredulous. There had been a "time"? Any cat - any mature tom - who had heard these words would only think of one thing, and in this very moment, aside from all the trials and tribulations that he had been forced to face in his moons as a warrior, the tom was suddenly shrunk down to an average tom who could only assume one thing. She had mated with Loststar? More than once? He wanted to cry out harshly, bite back a sharp reply for Loststar's lack of concern but something in the leader's voice held him back, created a sort of solemn expression on the blue-gray tom's face that he couldn't mask.
His muscles tightened at the look on the black feline's face, and he was all ready to jump up again, and lash out in that familiar feeling of rage and distaste -- as he lost all respect for Loststar with the way his thoughts were heading, but the emotion that splayed across Loststar's face as he flinched and then continued with words that would be lost on any other tom with the same rage and confusion that filled Tallstone, made him stop. He paused, holding his breath, and then, almost instantly, his eyes softened considerably. "I'm not questioning your honor, Loststar. I apologize for my rudeness," he meowed softly, heaving a sigh as he felt his muscles loosen. "You are TealClan leader, of course. Just... I was worried for her, as I am sure you are too. She deserves someone as special as her."
The tom lifted his gaze then - as if all of this was really silly and he couldn't believe that he was having this conversation with the leader of tealclan - and his eyes sparked with something unfamiliar before he grazed the black face of Loststar again. His lips twitched into something that was not quite a smile or a frown and then, he breathed out slowly, unsure how to form the words he wanted to say. Tallstone wasn't sure where this feeling came from, a sudden coolness that filled in the cracks of his bones and the pain in his face to only create a eerie calmness that he couldn't even recognize. He paused then and took a breath, before straightening his shoulders. "Northwind is the mother of my kits," he said coolly, fighting the urge to snap in anger at the mention of the same exact cruel cat who caused him so much pain and who he had vowed to never think about again. he looked past Loststar then as he hissed softly, "but she isn't any mate of mine. At least, not anymore." His eyes then burned with pain and anger, as the chocolate she-cat flashed across his memory, but not regret.
Tallstone didn't - quite honestly - know who Morninglight might have had any romantic liasons with, but if it wasn't the dark tom in front of him then it must have been an honerable RavineClan warrior -- and the only problem with that was the only tom he could think of at the moment who was not already attached was Cloudspots, with his apprentice-aged kits and dead mate. That thought sent a shiver through him, a harder pang that the one Loststar made him feel, and he instantly wondered what Morninglight might have been thinking if she should fall in for a tom like that -- but then again, if she were to fall in with any tom that wasn't him - Tallstone - a similar emotion would fill him, but Cloudspots? He shook his head silently to himself. That couldn't be possible.
He sighed then, finally coming to the conclusion that he may never know if Morninglight didn't tell him right off. So, the tom pawed the ground softly and then lifted his eyes, pools of cobalt smoldering with acceptance. He shifted then looked to the side. "You know," he meowed, his voice quiet and wistful. " I don't have a clue who the father is, but he's very lucky. Don't you agree?"
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Post by morninglight on Aug 14, 2009 20:41:51 GMT -5
Morninglight When one door of happiness closes, another opens but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
Pregnant.
That word bounced around in Morninglight’s mind, pushing all other thoughts completely out of her head with a low dull thud. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. Her head throbbed as she walked out of camp in a daze. It was by some other force that carried her out of camp, moving her unwilling paws that were as heavy and immobile as stone. Every breath came out like a gasp against the pressure constraining her chest, she fought for oxygen, the cool air pricking her lungs like thousands of tiny needles. But she kept moving, her body shaking, sending ripples through her golden pelt, as she struggled to maintain control while life around her seemed to crumble down.
It became better though, the farther she moved away from camp, the clearer her mind became, her steps much more sure and her form finally composed itself. It was a relief to be out of camp, suffocating under the presence of Northwind, apprehensively awaiting the stares she was certain would follow once she returned. News traveled fast in the closely-knit RavineClan, and many would be shocked to hear, especially since she didn’t have a mate. Rumors would fly, a rogue perhaps, a member of another clan. Loststar came to mind and she prayed to StarClan that no one besides Tallstone knew of her previous encounter with Loststar. Forget her current plight, if Loststar was accused of being involved with a RavineClan warrior, the respect and loyalty he worked so hard to build would come crashing to the ground, despite the fact it would be false. While she didn’t think that Tallstone would be the sort of cat that would spread it around, she wasn’t sure she knew him at all anymore.
Just his name made her wince as the unwelcomed thought of a handsome silver-brown tabby flashed through her mind. The night they spent together…well she blushed to recall it, had all come to naught, except for the presence of the kits that were surely growing inside of her. There was no doubt that Tallstone had fathered them, but she had been a fool to believe that he would stick around. Not with Northwind prancing about camp with her own litter, practically glowing in a way that was sure to make Morninglight look dumpy in comparison. She laughed bitterly when she considered the irony of the situation; Northwind’s kits would be half-siblings to her own. And she said her own kits, because she highly doubted Tallstone would ever consider them his. Surely while around his mate, he would want to sweep Morninglight and her kits under the rug and pretend the whole thing never happened.
She kept walking, through the thick pines of RavineClan, on a journey that led her nowhere in particular. All that was important was that it led her farther and farther away from camp, the one place she had to return eventually, to face up to her unfortunate mistake. While rumors would be whispered and gossiped about, she was fairly certain not many would know the truth. Silverhawk would and she would tell Beestripe. She needed her brother’s support through this more than ever. It would then come down to what the kits looked like. With her luck, she would give birth to a little of miniature Tallstones, all bright blue eyes and silver-brown pelts that one would have to be extremely dense to not realize the father. And they would serve as constant reminders of the mate she had never had, but still managed to lose.
But they would be hers, little bits of herself born into tangible flesh and blood. Yes, she would see traces of Tallstone in them but maybe, just maybe she would also see the last remainders of her family, her sister’s eyes or her mother’s smile in her own litter. And she wouldn’t be completely helpless, Silverhawk would see her through her kitting and she was sure Beestripe would relish in his new role as uncle to her kits. And even though she was certain to be talked about, they could never prove anything so long as she kept her mouth shut. Her breathing and heart rate slowed down considerably as she considered the fact that not all was lost and she had the potential to make a new life for herself. Despite the father, she knew deep down that once she had her kits, it would be love at first sight, and she certainly wouldn’t dwell on the fact that their father was missing from her life.
Still, it would be hard. Her mouth tightened considerably at the thought, her eyes stripped of warmth and compassion. She would have liked to tell herself that she didn’t care, that thinking of Tallstone was a waste of precious time and energy, that she didn’t care for him one bit. But that wasn’t true. She cared so much that her body ached and her muscles were sore, her mind exhausted from the ongoing compassion and…lov…well she wouldn’t admit that to herself, she felt for this particular tom. She felt like her heart had been ripped out so frequently, on such a regular basis, that it wasn’t the pain that bothered her so much anymore, but the eternity of it. Like a sickness that isn’t so bad at first but after weeks starts to tear a person down limb by limb.
She sighed, continuing her purposeless walk away from RavineClan territory until she saw TealClan territory getting closer and closer. She almost turned around, the last thing she needed was to accidentally walk over the border, when the wind carried a familiar scent over to her nose, foreign and strange to her RavineClan nose, but familiar all the same. Loststar. Perhaps he was on patrol or even alone, and she made a split-second decision to walk towards it. Maybe a bit of social interaction would shake her out of her self-imposed stupor. She could tell him how Beestripe took the news and share how he has been, apologize for her own stubbornness, reminisce about the times they had spent together, and maybe, just maybe, tell him about her pregnancy. He would find out soon enough, it was always announced at gatherings, and he could provide some comforting words or quiet strength. She hated to say it, but she missed his friendship, especially now that she felt so alone.
Sure enough, the closer she got, she began to make out a large black form, sitting right on the border of RavineClan territory. She was almost about to call out a greeting when a second form caught her eye and she stopped suddenly at its no less familiar hues of silver and brown.
You know, I don't have a clue who the father is, but he's very lucky. Don't you agree?"
Who was he talking about? Her first thought was he was speaking of Northwind, once again feeling bitter and unloved that Northwind, the glorious untouchable Northwind had once again found another mate. Of course that cat was lucky, who wouldn’t be to father Northwind’s kits? The anger she had kept so carefully bottled up boiled and bubbled inside of her and she had half a mind to storm over to Tallstone, call him everything she had been thinking for these past weeks, and storm off. Still, she had to tell him that he was the father, as if he didn’t know already, and let him know that he didn’t have to help one bit. She was looking for love, not pity.
She stepped through the foliage, clearing her throat as if she had been just walking over, hearing none of their exchange. Her emerald eyes first went to Loststar and as his greeted hers, they were flooded with a range of emotions, shock, surprise, apprehension. Not just the shock of seeing her intrude on their meeting, but a wave of raw surprise that Morninglight couldn’t attribute to her sudden appearance.
He knew
The way he looked at her…it came to Morninglight like a flash of lightning, that Loststar knew she was pregnant. This meant Tallstone had come running to tell him, for purposes, Morninglight couldn’t even fathom. Why would Loststar know so soon? Why would Tallstone feel the need to tell him? Even Beestripe didn’t know, for StarClan’s sake, and she was closer to him than anyone. Her mind was a whirl of jumbled confusion and she wanted more than anything to run. After he got over the initial shock, the TealClan leader’s expression changed, slightly bitter, masked with indifference, which confused her even more. Why was this upsetting to him?
Her vivid green eyes, brimming with anger at having her business discussed, confusion, disappointed, shifted to Tallstone, but she couldn’t meet his eyes, and instead stared at his torso. Her so carefully built courage to go tell him, was fading quickly in the midst of this strange situation. “Excuse me Loststar,” she said, with a small respectful dip in his direction. “But I need to talk to Tallstone,” she mewed quietly.
The golden warrior padded away, glancing at Loststar one last time, wishing she would have had the time to talk to him, but that time was not now. Knowing that Tallstone would follow, she walked out of earshot from Loststar and sat down, turning to face the cat she thought she had loved. It was strange, to finally be alone with him. Her eyes were blazing green fire, but her voice was careful and composed. She opened her mouth, ready to tell him, but another burning question pushed its way forward. “What were you and Loststar talking about?”
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Post by tallstone on Aug 15, 2009 20:59:04 GMT -5
i like her because she smiles at me and means it.
[/color] Perhaps he shouldn't have said it, told Loststar that she was pregnant even if Tallstone had thought the charcoal-brushed warrior in front of him was the father -- because anything at all, he had begun to realize, that involved Morninglight was of no concern - or shouldn't have been at least, as far as most cats would interpret it - to him. She was a friend - a loyal, sweet, perfect maiden friend that made his heart jump into his throat and his face flush pleasantly whenever she smiled at him - and friends weren't supposed to delve into personal business, no matter how important one thought the circumstance was. And this was what he thought about with a slightly guilty mindset as he stared wistfully past the dark-colored tom that he had been about to lunge at moments ago.
Although on that blissful night just barely a week ago, Tallstone believed that he and her had been able to share something special, beyond even the boundaries of true friendship and ignite a sort of emotion between them that he had not even ever experienced with the mother of his children, Northwind, he also realized that Morninglight probably - if not definitely - didn't think the same way. She had been avoiding him, hadn't wanted to talk to him at all, and somehow that hurt more than any of Northwind's tears ever would.
Not to mean that Tallstone had ever seen Northwind cry -- not even when he knew that Castro had left her when she told him that she was carrying kits, even if she was unsure as to whether which one of them fathered her litter. In all his life, Tallstone - not as a kit, not as an apprentice, and not even as a warrior - had he ever spotted the unbelievable, undeniable Northwind's tears but the blue-gray tom with tabby marks that stood almost wistfully in front of Loststar at this moment, knew that if that moment were to happen, he would be able to find the strength to look away and not crumble to his paws the instant the image of her flashed across his mind, memories of her filling him to the brim. It was her that had always lent him strength anyway, not Northwind and this time would be no different.
The molded charcoal-blue tom with stormy-chocolate stripes as he voiced a response, the softer quality to his tone not surprising but making the RavineClan warrior lift his head all the same. He felt a familiar ache in his heart, upon once instantly recognizing the sort of expression that seemed to fill in the lines of Loststar's aged features (even if he wasn't that much older than Tallstone himself) -- a bitterness that could not be named but fit in well with the regret that blinked across bi-colored eyes and a sort of quietness that Tallstone himself often experienced. He's still in love with her, the tom suddenly realized with a pang and he suddenly felt so lost, his eyes turning to burning cobalt -- why was it that every time he fell in with a she-cat, they had to already have someone else?
However, the whirl of emotions that suddenly crashed across the TealClan's leader face caught Tallstone offguard and he snapped around to see her standing there in all her glory, utter confusion filling in every single crease of her golden face. He felt his breath get taken away and he began to drink in the sight of her, having not been able to set his burning blue gaze upon hers for so long because they had been "missing" each other, or as he knew better, that she had been avoiding him. However, at the moment, all he could see was her and his heart would have bursted inside his chest if not for the angry look in her green gaze. So instead he paused, watching her as she mewed something quietly to Loststar and unspoken words passed between them (his heart still hurting at the notion that they would have something, a past, that he would never have with her) and then he followed her quietly, but curiously, with his heart aching all the way.
When she spoke - and it was not quite like "angels singing" mind you, but a similar emotion inflated in his chest and expression filled his face as if it was just that - he looked at her and then forced himself not to look away, feeling his heart grow heavy with guilt. "I don't... just.." he murmured awkwardly, finding it hard to breath. Then, he breathed in and felt his gaze soften when he gazed at her, his face filling with intense emotions that could not be quite recognized. "... just something we both care a lot about."
And then he finally looked away, breaking his gaze and looking forward at something past Morninglight, as if collecting his thoughts. By now, he was positive that Loststar had gone back to his camp, with the very same bitterness and coldness towards them that directed his true character as a good leader and yet labeled him as a normal warrior as well. It would do no good telling Morninglight what had occurred between them - his own embarrassing mistake and the unspoken words between them, two toms who couldn't properly fight for a she-cat they both cared more than a great deal for.
Because the air between them was crackling and he did not think he could stand it any longer, standing next to the TealClan border with such awkwardness between them, Tallstone straightened his shoulders and dipped his head slightly, flicking his tail towards the direction of their camp. No words were needed for such easiness of conversation and more than because his mouth was dry, and his throat clenched, but because he didn't know what to say. Yet, after a couple of minutes, he couldn't help but look at her again and feel entranced by her very presence, so without planning it, he blurted "why were you avoiding me?"
and almost instantly, he wanted smack his head against a tree. or shove his head in the ground. which ever one was faster.
"speech"
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Post by morninglight on Aug 15, 2009 21:59:29 GMT -5
Morninglight She forced herself to look at him. Something they both cared about a lot was puzzling and cryptic, yet she doubted if she prodded him further she would be able to gather any more information. He seemed closed off on that particular discussion, even though it had to be important for him to discuss it. Loststar knew of her pregnancy but was that the whole picture? Why would Tallstone feel the need to discuss her with Loststar, a cat she hadn’t talked to privately in moons. A fleeting thought passed her mind of trying to wheedle it out of Loststar, but she had to focus on the matter at paw. She doubted she even had the strength to demand for the details anyway.
Why were you avoiding me?
It was out. Her emerald eyes widened as she froze in place, a flash of guilt marring her delicate features. She felt terrible for doing so, but she had promised herself that she needed to take care of herself first and foremost. And with their return back to camp, they were quickly shuffled back into normal life until it seemed like the time they had spent together had never happened at all. Her face burned, although partially hidden by her thick golden fur, even though she was certain he could see the embarrassment in her eyes.
“Well I…umm…” she started, trailing off as her voice died down to a whisper. Her throat felt parched and her chest felt as if a hummingbird was rattling against her rib cage. She shifted her weight uncomfortably, hating to be the center of this attention, scrutinized for her actions. She could lie, that it was all in his head, but in the end, that wouldn’t solve the pressing matters that were blocking their relationship. She needed to speak of the problem, the awkwardness, how she didn’t know how to act around him, how he wanted her to act. And for the sake of her kits, it was necessary to maintain some kind of relationship with him. The truth would let some air into their relationship.
“You know…we came back to camp and well…I wasn’t sure how to act. With…Northwind and everything,” she managed to spit out, hesitating before she mentioned her chocolate tabby rival. Last thing she wanted to do was remind Tallstone of his stunning mate. “So I thought it would be easier…I thought it was what you wanted,” she added, glancing away from him at this point, her voice soft and quiet, head hung almost in defeat, awaiting his judgment. But it was the truth, as eloquent as she could describe it to him.
She finally summoned the courage to meet his eyes again, knowing her next words would take a strength she wasn’t sure she possessed. But there was no way she was going to guilt him into staying with her. She knew she deserved more than that. “But that wasn’t why I wanted to talk to you,” she said briskly, almost as though they were making a deal or a contract that completely removed emotions that had no place when they had to come to an agreement. As desperately as she didn’t want to tell him this, she certainly wanted to get off the previous subject. It was easier, much easier to ignore him. It saved her self-esteem, rather than taking the chance to go after him and being rejected. Much easier than, to say that the reason he wasn’t going after her was because she wasn’t going after him. Self-preservation. “About my…kits...” she sputtered out, as if “kits” was a laced word, and it truly was. “You don’t have to worry about it,” she added, as if it didn’t matter to her, one way or another whether he stayed. At least, that was what she was trying to convince herself. “I will be fine, I will have Silverhawk and Beestripe…you don’t have to stick around or anything,” she added, her voice slightly high and she offered him a weak smile, not sure who she was trying to reassure. Her voice was unwavering, but her face looked slightly contorted, her smile a bit wide, the spark from her eyes extinguished. “So..just don’t worry about it, I will be ok.”
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Post by tallstone on Aug 15, 2009 22:34:55 GMT -5
i like her because she smiles at me and means it.
[/color] Not for the first time in his life, the blue-gray, brown-touched warrior was speechless. His mouth dried up as she spoke to him, her voice nothing more than a quiet stutter, and if it was even possible, his thoughts began even taking more wrong directions, and his eyes burned with more intense emotions than should have been possible for a middle-aged warrior as himself. Through her entire confession he said nothing, feeling his heart constrict inside his chest, and feeling as if, for the second time in his life, his world was crashing down.
The first time had been when his mentor had informed him of Northwind's scandalous behavior, of Castro and his dark brown pelt that was so close to his own, of her cheating on him and not even caring what he felt. Not even after he had admitted all of it, that he had not been fed by the rumors and lies but the cold hard truth, he would have sworn a smile flickered on his face, darker than anything he had ever seen, and she did not say "sorry", pity him for his choice, and instead brushed quickly past him, as if he was letting his thoughts get head of him again. His world had come crashing down right in front of her - and of course she had known it - and Northwind didn't give a damn.
Her stuttering only further convinced him of his previous ideals, told him that of course Morninglight didn't like him anymore and she had fallen in with a more loyal, more perfect tom that was so unlike himself that she felt the need to avoid him, out of shame and out of embarrassment -- the light flush that tainted her almost flawless figure only convinced him of that. If he had perhaps been a cat like Flametwist was, with his arrogance and bitterness, the tom might have lashed out at her, and out the world, but especially at StarClan for all the pain that they forced him through. If he had perhaps been a little more like his son, he would have cried out in anguish and as why could she do this to him -- didn't she have a heart, the heart that Northwind so obviously lacked? But he was neither of these cats, and instead the tom found himself swallowing thickly, turning his face almost angrily away from her.
But he was still in love with her, more so in love than he had ever believed he had been in with Northwind and so because of her sweetness, her gentleness that was nothing like the beautiful, captivating chocolate-colored she-cat that was formerly his mate, he could not - in his mind - mold her into the sort of evil devil that he had made Northwind to be, convince himself that she had wronged him when in fact, he had done only the wronging, fooled himself of something that did not - and had never - really existed.
Her next set of words caught him off guard, and he couldn't help but flashed his smoldering blue gaze up to hers, his eyes swimming with all sorts of emotions that were so close to anguish and confusion it was impossible to mask. "... what? what does she have anything to do with this?" he blurted (unsuccessfully able to keep the scorn out of his voice at the name), dumbfounded by her words and he fumbled, stumbling closer to her with his face just a mouse length away from hers as his eyes burned into hers. He knew that bringing up Northwind wouldn't be a sharp barb towards him, perhaps rubbing salt into open wounds, because Morninglight wasn't that sort of cat. If she were any different, any less giving and any less sweet, he might have thought wrong of her for all the crazy thoughts running rampant in his mind -- that it was her fault for getting pregnant, her fault for falling in with another tom, her fault for even having a relationship after doing that with him but because she was Morninglight and he couldn't believe anything less of her, he was convinced that Morninglight - of all the cats he knew - deserved true happiness and that was why he was willing to finally forsake his own, without any of the bitterness and darkness that Northwind had instilled in his heart, if only she was truly happy.
He was still so concentrated on her bringing up his former chocolate-colored mate, his eyes brimming with confusion and surprise and all these other emotions that he didn't bother to name that Tallstone almost didn't catch her next set of words. Before he knew it, his eyes had molded to hers and he was waiting on her next set of words, shock settling into every line of his body when it did. He didn't even have time to process her words before his paws stopped stumbling, his fur on hers and his breath on her muzzle, his face contorting in genuine pain. "why would I ever want that?" he whispered, choking.
But when she finally lifted her gaze to meet his, Tallstone found himself stumbling backwards -- not even in there most intimiate moments had she ever had the courage to move on her own, to lift her eyes to lock on his and the shock that filtered through his bones, the electricity that danced across his skin, made him stop in his tracks, his thoughts coming to a complete halt. With a quietness that was completely him, he listened to her, as if hanging on her every word. Is she going to tell me who the father is?, he wondered, both excited and crestfallen. Yet, she did not -- she went on some other tangent that he couldn't quite understand and he stood their, dumbfounded for the second time. There was a crackling silence in the air for a moment before he found his voice, licking his lips hesitantly. Tallstone looked at her, edging closer and his eyes softened, "it's okay." his breathing grew softer, a sullen almost accepting expression filling in all the anguish of his features. "I'll do it. I'll pretend to be their father if they're real one doesn't want to; that's what you want, isn't it?" he mewed, his voice soft -- he didn't dare press his muzzle close to hers, even if he so wanted to. He paused for a moment, eyes smouldering. "I did it for Northwind, I can do it for you," he murmured to himself. Tallstone paused for a moment and then he finally looked her in the eyes, a strange smile pressing against silver lips. " I would do anything for you."
"speech"
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Post by morninglight on Aug 16, 2009 2:17:49 GMT -5
Morninglight Unbelievable. He was simply unbelievable. She didn’t think her mind could process all of this sudden information so quickly. The way he talked of Northwind, the scorn, the bitterness in his voice was surprising, especially since she was still carrying his kits. But he was still not over her, still too hurt and too angry about the whole situation. There was no doubt about it, Northwind was still occupying a significant portion of his mind and she refused to share that space with her, whether or not that chocolate tabby was there out of love or spite. It was all the same to the golden she-cat sitting before him. Instead of shying away from him, she took a bold step forward to where she was almost grazing his face with her own, her eyes fixated upon his bright blue pools, her mouth tight. He would not be able to get out of this one.
“She,” she responded quietly, not bothering to raise her voice, there was hardly an inch between them, “is still your mate, if I’m not mistaken, so she has a lot to do with this,” she finished, her voice cool, although she winced at her own words but her eyes did not stray from his face. She couldn’t remember another time that she had spoken to him with such conviction in her voice, but she was done. Done being played, being lead on, having only assumptions and vague hints and nothing tangible to go by. She wanted answers, closure, and she doubted even StarClan would be enough to stop her now. Her kits were not going to watch their mother pine over a taken tom.
“I understand that you have a previous commitment to her,” she interjected quietly into the silence. “I’m the other she-cat, I get that. But it is clear to me that she is still in your head, for whatever reason. I won’t be played for a fool,” she said suddenly, fiercely, all the anger and humiliation and struggle she had been enduring this past few weeks flooding into her words. She didn’t move away from her position and her eyes never slipped. After her words were out, she felt instantly relieved, as she slung that huge burden off her shoulders, her resolve suddenly becoming stronger, more vivid in her mind. “And I won’t be used,” she added, lowering the volume of her voice, her eyes bright and hard and Tallstone would have been an idiot to believe he could trick her again.
But then it all came crashing down around her. He…he wanted to be with her? This was not the answer she was expecting to hear. Her more rational brain had squashed any optimism a long time ago, that Tallstone had instantly regretted his words upon returning to camp and hadn’t spared her a second thought. Her jaw nearly dropped but she quickly recovered, shifting her weight. Her eyes seemed suddenly tired, as if he was slowly breaking down the wall she had furiously built against him, but it seemed like he wasn’t done yet.
She listened to his response, ears erect and her mouth did drop and she looked like a fish gasping for air while she heard his whole declaration, his promise to her. He…wha..how..she could hardly form cohesive thoughts in her head, must less speak them out loud. “What…what do you mean pretend?” she asked him, her eyes narrowing, wondering whether he was truly dense or a superb actor. He looked at her with a face full of anguish and eyes full of fire and for a moment, she had a crazy idea that he desperately wanted to touch her. “If their real father doesn’t want them…” she repeated. Was this why he came to Loststar…to find out if he was the father of her kits? That idea seemed so ludicrous, she almost laughed at the thought. What kind of cat did he take her for?
“I don’t think you need to pretend…” she commented dryly, becoming more exasperated by the second. “They are yours Tallstone,” she said, finally saying it out loud. She would have to get used to that. But she didn’t blush, shy away, avert her gaze. It was the truth and she was glad to finally hear it.
But she had another pressing matter to attend to still, hoping that he would hold to his promise, that they weren’t fanciful words thrown at her like pretty distractions to the matter at hand. “You said you would do anything for me,” she started, pausing for a moment to gather her thoughts, surprised at her own forwardness. “So tell me the truth.” And it might hurt, but at least she would hold on to that knowledge. She didn’t elaborate, he should know what she meant. She wanted to know his feelings for her, his feelings for Northwind and just how he thought the future was going to look for the both of them. She had had enough of the guess-work.
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Post by tallstone on Aug 16, 2009 14:55:23 GMT -5
remember, we all stumble, every one of us. that's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand
[/color] At first, he didn't say anything. The wind whispered past the pair of them, turning into sharp billowing gusts of air and turning their coats flush with the cold that occupied the area that was still recovering from leafbare, droplets of snow lingering on the ground even where the sunlight seemed to peek through the trees. The sun gleamed brightly through the foliage as it began to rise further and further up in the sky, covering the darkness that had previously preoccupied them with a sort of blinding darkness, and it was still mid-day, the tempting scents and sounds of the prey that scattered down in their holes enough to make Tallstone twitch, but not enough to make him actually turn his head, break his honestly unbelievable gaze from hers, molten blue molding to sparkling green.
Her words, cool and silent, and so much like Northwind's made his freeze solid, his heart overcome with a shocking coldness that even trickled down to his bones and into his frost-colored pools, a hurt expression filling in every crease of his softer features, filled with bewilderment and lack of understanding for everything that seemed to be happening with them, like crackling thunder that sliced the air.
He knew, deep down in his heart, that no matter the circumstance that he should have never compared the two -- morninglight, sweet and angelic and kind with a heart made of something that was like gold but much more softer, and northwind, with her captivating appearance and irresistible gaze, who was beautiful and unforgiving and cold to everyone who she thought didn't matter. It might have been true that, no matter the span of years that passed, Northwind would always preoccupy his mind - there would be no amount of pain, of love, of consideration that could nurse him back to the healthy, innocent, lovable apprentice that he used to be - but it was also true that he would not ever love her again, no matter the amount of sweet, caressing words and tempting remarks. Not even for his son would he be able to "fall in love" with the cat he had previously call his mate.
And if Morninglight knew him even a little, she should have been able to understand that. That was why, when he realized this, Tallstone paused in his tracks and his already widened eyes instead softened with a sort of darkness hidden beneath, the muscle in his jaw tightening as did the creases around his eyes. It was not that thought of Northwind that made his paws stop trembling, face already hardened into pure frustration and part anger, but Morninglight -- a cat who he would also think impossibly purely, good, of -- that caused such an emotion to rise with him. His throat clenched as he noticed her flinch, cobalt orbs zoning on every detail of her face, but instead of concentrating on this and let him crumble once more at his paws, Tallstone straightened his shoulders and looked at her with a sharp gaze, lips twitching into a frown. "Morninglight" he meowed, trying to catch her attention. When she looked, he breathed in deeply, his face a mold of determination and truth. " You're wrong. Northwind is not anymore of a mate to me than Loststar is to you," he meowed deliberately as he narrowed his eyes, his voice quiet and bland and free of any such bitterness or anger or sharpness that it might have carried moments before. He stared down at her for many minutes, his eyes quite not glaring but following, waiting for her next move -- whether it be an apology, stubborn doubt, or a jabbing insult. No matter what, he would be ready.
However, her next words caught him off guard and he stumbled backwards in surprise. The other cat? Didn't she know him at all? Tallstone wanted immediatley to argue with her, that - right now, as the circumstances stood - if anyone was the other cat, then it would surely be Northwind with all the hate and resentment and finally, a sort of indifference that could not quite be named, that he held for her.
Yet with her next flow of words, Tallstone felt him flush with a wave of guilt and it took all his will not to stumble backward again, run back to camp and forget all of this ever happened -- try to run back into the past when he was lying to himself, and lying to everyone else around him. It was true, he didn't love Northwind -- but that obviously wasn't enough for her and no matter how much he wanted to phrase it in his mind, every moment he thought of Northwind before Morninglight, even if it was just by force of habit, it would betrayal -- it would be as if he was using the golden maiden in front of him for his own selfish purposes. His shoulders fell in the same moment his mouth went dry and his throat tightened, unable to surface the words that seemed to bubble a the edge of his lips. What was he going to say? Tallstone didn't want to use Morninglight, anything but that, but because he had such a past with Northwind, was used to thinking of her whether it was in anger or love or hate or curiosity, he would compare everything without meaning to. he dropped his head then, staring frustratingly down at his paws as he tried to rephrase his feelings -- tell her that he wanted her, not his mate, but not knowing how he could get her to understand that it was almost impossible to forget like she seemed to want him to.
Of all the things he was expecting her to say, past her stumbling and confusion, Tallstone hadn't been expecting that and instinctively, his head snapped up, face open in a rare bout of pure confusion and bewilderment that could not be forged or masked or faked. The words still hadn't processed in his min when he felt his paws began to shake, feeling his limbs take slow steps toward her, as if pulled by some unseen force. he couldn't speak, his heart constricting and throat tightened, but he wanted to -- wanted to tell her something that would wipe that depressed, exasperated, helpless, and accepting look of her face, as if she was disappointed in him, as if she expected nothing better of him than her wronged nightmares foretold.
w-what? m-my kits !, his mind screamed, feeling suddenly helpless as the memories of that night flashed before him, first pure elation that was soon replaced by a wash of guilt and confusion and utter frustration for not seeing this sooner -- why was he such an idiot?
in all his life, tallstone had never been so dense, so wrong and stubborn. every cat from starclan knew what kind of cat tallsone really was -- genuine, real, ethical, honest. he was the type of cat that deserved better than he got for all the raw pain and anguish that he was burdened with. yet, in the same way that cinderpaw refused to believe cometpaw could ever return his feelings, tallstone had never thought that he would ever recieve something so blissfully brilliant as the news before him -- never did he think that he would have a future full of brightness and hope and perfection that such a thought never settled in his brain. not optimistic in the least of these notions, morninglight's news sent him into a spiral of confusion like everything else, as if everything he suddenly knew was shifting around him and changing everything he thought to be true.
and suddenly, as if knocked out of trance like some starclan-induced event, he blinked and everything flashed before them, the future that he would have. his eyes ablaze, tallstone stumbled forward and opened his mouth to tell her what he really thought, but she had already spoken and he was forced to keep his mouth shut. she didn't want him to "play" with her -- even if he wasn't and telling her what she would think to be broken promises or even lies, would do no good for their relationship. so although his paws were shaking and his eyes burned brightly under the light, because he wanted to make things right and reach forward and press his muzzle to hers, he knew he couldn't so instead he took a deep breath, his eyes suddenly growing quiet. "of course," he murmured softly in resignation. " anything for you." he sighed then, closing his eyes and letting him finally remember everything that made him who he was today.
" first of all," he meowed, looking up at her. the memories that washed over him was clear on his mind and finally, he felt like he could explain something so important to him without breaking down like he tended to do. it would be hard, but if it would fix things between them once and for all, it would be worth it. tallstone took a breath, his heart pounding in his chest. "i don't think i ever really loved her." he paused for a moment, hesitation flickering in blue eyes and then he lowered his voice, not sure if she would hear. " not like I love you." for a moment his eyes strained on her face, trying to figure out what she was feeling and then he shifted on his other paw, drawing his gaze elsewhere.
a familiar young face filled his mind, fill of dusty fur and bright golden eyes and he felt his face grow solemn, the memories of his late brother still making his heart ache. " not many people know this, or remember it, but i had a brother," he murmured softly, still finding it hard to speak even after all these moons. "his name was dustpaw. we were like two parts of a whole." he watched her carefully, forcing himself to stop every time he saw an emotion flicker across his face, then force himself to go on even if was any sort of pain that flickered there. they had to do this. "and, you should know, i've known northwind my entire life. even when she was northkit. " he looked at her, a strange expression crossing his face -- did she understand what he meant by this, what it meant to him by finally giving away all of his secrets to a she-cat he wasn't even sure he should have been in love with.
before her thoughts could take another direction though, he caught her shoulder with a gentle paw and made her stare him straight in the eye, a soft expression pressing flush across his face. "before you think about anything, listen to me carefully," he whispered, his breath on hers. "believe it or not, i wasn't ever taken by her -- not in the way you probably think. as a kit, i was curious as to why she was so popular. as an apprentice, with my brother's death, she was the only thing i knew and remembered from my past. and as a warrior, i only thought i loved her because everyone expected me to." his breathing got faster, stressing he to understand his feelings and then he let out a careful breath, his eyes still trained on hers. "i only fell in love with after she had cinderpaw, but it was by that time i realized i was too late. cinderpaw is mine, at least partially, but i know that talonpaw never was." his eyes smouldered and darkened, an expressoin flashing across his features that could not quite be named. "i haven't told her yet, but i've decided. me and her, we're through -- what we had? i don't think it ever existed," he murmured quietly, eyes quiet and then he stepped back, careful not to touch her, before blinking warmly in her direction. " you want to know the truth. you are nothing like northwind; you are that much better," he finally said, taking a breath. he looked away then, closing his eyes -- he had no idea where this speech would take them in matters of relationship, whether or not she would ever accept him because it was nearly impossible for him to forget who northwind was just as it was impossible for her to forget who loststar was, no matter the lack of feelings.
he looked back at her, his mouth twitching into a strange smile and his eyes softened considerably, an emotion feeling him that might as well have been love. "because, even more than i would have ever northwind, i'm in love with you," he whispered quietly, " and if you'll have me, i would like to properly father your kits." and it was then he finally smiled, blue eyes softly glowing.
"speech"
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Post by morninglight on Aug 18, 2009 23:03:49 GMT -5
Morninglight It was tempting. Only StarClan knew just how much she wanted to throw herself at Tallstone, accept his offer with a warm smile and a soft glow, walk back to camp and live happily ever after.
If only things could work like that.
He was honest with her, or at least she thought. His voice rang with sincerity, his eyes never left hers. His words caused her to flush deeply and at times she did want to look away, but it seemed as if her emerald eyes were locked onto his, frozen, and no amount of willpower was going to pry her gaze away. He said he loved her, more than Northwind, enough to tell her the truth, enough to father her kits, enough to be by her side. She wanted to believe him, she wanted to believe this perfectly conjured-up fantasy that had been simmering in her head for these past moons. And he made believing it look so easy, soft words, loving glances like a gentle caress, unwavering support, and yet…while her heart had thrown in the towel a long time ago, she had a little, but persistent, nagging feeling in her head.
He said he loved her. But that was the problem wasn’t it? He said it. But words were cheap, pretty lights that you can reach out, grab a random handful and throw them at your targeted object, hoping they will be momentarily distracted. She would like to believe he was sincere, but then again, he was a smooth enough talker to convince her that she should become involved while he still had a mate. Silence had fallen between him after his last words and she stared at him intently, her eyes bright and luminescent under the light. Had she truly been hoodwinked?
Yet despite the murkiness of the situation, Morninglight felt like her mind had never been clearer, weighing out a heavy list of pros and cons. She was lucky, she momentarily reflected, that he had not tried to touch her. She didn’t trust herself to make a clear decision if her mind had been temporarily tampered with by a soft touch.
At first though, her decision seemed clear. Accept his offer and walk away with him into the glorious setting sun. That would be what was best for him and that certainly would be what was best for his kits. To grow up with a father, a solid traditional family, and Tallstone would finally get what he wanted, a devoted and loving mate. He loved her, she wasn’t in doubt about that, but she wondered just how much he would think of Northwind if they got together. As selfish as it sounded, Morninglight didn’t want to share his heart while another she-cat had her claws still firmly dug in it. She knew that she couldn’t expect Tallstone to get over Northwind right away, but she had no way of knowing how much he thought about her and how much he would continue to think about her. How much would it benefit her kits to have a father in their lives…even if the father was still pining away for another? Morninglight knew she would be a terrible role model to her future kits if she allowed herself to be used.
And yet, she reflected while keeping her eyes on him, her mouth still firmly shut and breathing slow, despite what he had said, he was still with Northwind. Were his words then worthless? How long would she have to wait for him to let her go? Today, tommarow, next week, next moon? Perhaps never, but of course, he would keep her interested with lovely words and fanciful dreams and she doubted, if she didn’t correct it right now, she would ever learn her lesson.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to begin, stammering and stuttering as she attempted to form coherent words, “Well…I..Tallstone…,” but the words died on her tongue and she once again fell silent. She almost wanted to apologize, apologize for not believing him, for not throwing herself in his arms, for not playing the role that she knew he wanted her to play. But with her wavering confidence, she was even more afraid that her message would not get across and she would forever wallow in a sea of uncertainty.
She straightened, standing up, prepared to walk away because for now, that was something she had to have the ability to do. Her golden pelt was illuminated from the random rays of sun streaming through the pine trees. “I thought you had decided that the other night?” she asked, looking him straight in the eye, her mouth firm and eyes cool. A faint blush crept on her cheeks as she thought about that particular night, but to her, Tallstone seemed to be repeating himself with no actions to support his far-fetched claim.
She shook her head slightly, as if she couldn't believe how long she had bought it. "Don't expect me to keep believing that story," she said softly, tearing her gaze away. Without another word, she slipped through the thick foliage, aided by her slender form, and sprinted back to camp. It hurt now, although she would hardly admit that to herself, but as the safety of camp grew closer and more vivid, she knew that eventually she would be ok.
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Post by tallstone on Aug 19, 2009 21:01:10 GMT -5
why can't we start over?
[/color] This wasn't supposed to happen. No. She was supposed to laugh and smile like the morninglight he had fallen in love with, the morninglight that was nothing like northwind who had stabbed him time and time again. she was supposed to press himself against him and accept all of his faults, tell him that she loved him too and then they could pad away into the sunset, into a future that would become clearer by the minute.
but no she had to say all of those things -- she hadn't really said them had she? tallstone stood their staring at her, feeling his blood run cold and his heart pound in his chest, his ringing with thoughts that he should have said outloud. his mouth felt dry, as if he hadn't drank anything in moons, and his throat had closed up, clenched completely until he felt like he was choking on open air. he stumbled froward, eyes glued to her frame as she spoke again, each word sending a painful blow to his heart. "no m-morninglight, l-listen," he whispered, his speech coming in garbles. he didn't know what to say to that. he swallowed again.
and his eyes flashed up to her, desperate to make her understand, but it was too late. she was gone.
(end thread)
"speech"
[/blockquote][/blockquote][/size][/font][/color] we would be perfect. [/color]
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