Unsure

[northwind]

Northwind

It was as far away as she could get from camp. The speed of her step had been rather slow, the extra weight that had gradually been accumulating itself to her frame was beginning to show and weigh her down. Her paw made slightly deeper imprints in the thick dirt below her. Her eyes, even while streaked with anger, sadness, worry, fear, were lovely to behold as they looked straight, fixated on a vague point somewhere in the distance. She did not look back, just as he hadn’t for her.

She felt like such a mouse-brain. Everything around reminded her of him, or at the very least, her life with him. The cheerful laughs around camp, the mews of newborn kits, the trees around her, the breath in front of her. She couldn’t escape it, not even under this vast expanse of trees and skies, empty and lifeless. Did life not reserve enough joy left for her?

He wasn’t coming back to her. It was an obsession, an unwanted thought that persisted and haunted her, and even now it whispered and taunted her. She had been a fool to think differently. Before, she had hung onto the belief that perhaps he was tired, confused, worried and surely, surely he would clear his senses and come back to her. Northwind had even wondered where he would have gone, had he not returned to her. Now the answer seemed so obvious and painfully clear she winced whenever she thought about it.

Morninglight. Now that she actually paid attention to Tallstone’s actions, scrutinizing him for a gesture, a glance, anything that would confirm her once solidly convinced notion that it was simply a phase he was passing through, the lingering glances over at the golden she-cat was sickeningly undeniable. What was more interesting was the cool and indifferent mask that wiped the emotion clean off her face whenever he came within her sight. Not that she cared or anything what was going on between them. It wasn’t as if he had walked away from her. She had done that herself a long time ago.

It was more for her kits, she assured herself, growing up without a father, which was why she picked Tallstone in the first place. Would he let her raise these kits alone? Not that she couldn’t do it, with the help of Silverhawk and the rest of the clan. But having Tallstone around had made it much easier on her and that was all there was to it. He was convenient.

Her breath came out in gasps now, her chest heaving and with a jolt of recognition, she saw that she was just about to cross the border into TealClan. This was as far as she was ever going to get away from RavineClan. Not too worried about being at the border, they would hardly attack a queen, the dappled she-cat found a shady tree nearby, sitting down slowly.

It was just the kind of solitude that she normally craved. Somehow it didn’t seem quite so satisfying anymore.

[crowflight]

{CROWFLIGHT}

it was darker now, the clouded sky swirling into some darker form, and although everywhere around him seemed gray, with silver droplets dripping off barren trees, crowflight swore he could only see green. a green that was brilliant and shimmering, like the lights of the forest, but at the same time made his heart ache with something that wasn't quite pain or sorrow, and that seemed more like something inbetween.

today, the sun peeked barely through the sky and the clouds - which had been large and soft, like marshmellow pillows, - turned, he swore, a diluted blue against the coal-blue backlash. it was one of these days when he couldn't help but feel uncomfortable, as if every step was like running through mollasses and no matter where he turned, where he ran or how hard he pushed, he would always be in the same spot. it was of these days that he was reminded of a silver-gray figure - not too unlike his own - with darker streaks like the smog that ran across the sky. he was seeing her everywhere.

even when she wasn't here at all.

crowflight had wondered if he was going dillusional, that despite his efforts for avoiding her or maybe because of it, he had noticed that she was gone, gone like the wind in his name, or maybe that something had happened - his throat tightened - and she had gone to join oceansong up in the stars. that maybe he had, again, lost one of those "most important" someone's again, without ever having revealed his true feelings.

the deputy felt, once more, that heaviness in his chest - like a weight pulling him down - and briefly, the tom wondered if he should just give in. yet the waves of determination washed over him, pushing him up, as flashes of memories reeled by him -- images of sleetkit and hailkit, tiny little things dancing around his paws; pictures of him and oceanpaw, throwing moss balls at each other, the way her expression lit up; every memory he had of that soft-pelted gray tabby, along with each and every emotion she instilled in him in their time together. if, that is, they could have really been called together.

by the time he looked up, crowflight noticed that while it was not evening quite yet, it was a good deal past sunrise and that, if he hadn't already, he should speed up his pace. he would have, however, but there - at the ravineclan border - sat a cat that looked nothing like him. was nothing like him. and probably didn't even know who he was.

yet, like everyone else, he was sure that he was just as captivated by her as she was - or would be - with him. it was as though he was pulled toward her, like a silver string tying them both in the stars. "hey there," he mewed, inching closer. she smelled of ravineclan and their thick pine forest, their deep undergrowth and scented heavily of its creatures. yet she was beautiful, as was he, and in this darkness, it seemed that nothing appeared to matter. his lips twitched upwards, softly but warily, and for the first time in moons, it seemed, his face softened into a smile. "are you okay?"

he should have turned his back coldly, or let his voice crackle with ice. perhaps he should have just let her be, treat her like every other living being that he had come across, and said nothing. yet, there was something besides their beauty that they shared between them. in her eyes, he could see they glinted of pain and anguish and confusion, as though she was tied down by something she wanted to forget. were they the same?

however, crowflight never did this, show an flicker of kindness, not even to his kin. his eyes were always quiet and frosty, as though no one would ever understand him at all. he hid deep in the shadows, reading the outline of her body, and there again was that pull, that nearly made his silver paws cross the border if he hadn't stopped himself at the last second. crowflight watched her, not with tenderness or anger, but something else entirely.

understanding.

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`you're not alone down here *

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[northwind]

Northwind

The darkness swirled around her, embraced her willowy figure, clouded her vision as she stared out into the hazy fog of her mental confusions. Rain dripped from the folige above, streaking down her pelt like liquid gold against her coat, but she didn’t feel its cool trace against her skin and she brushed it off absent mindedly. For the first time it seemed that everything was laid out so neatly, so clearly before her, as it always had been, yet she had been too blind to realize it, trapped in other’s dreams for her that had quickly replaced her own.

That voice!

It radiated through the haze, illuminating the fog before her and she turned to see that it belonged to a cat of dazzling silver hues, and he seemed so perfect, so familiar in her mind, like a dream she had forgotten a long long time ago, but with him in front of her, everything fell into place again.

“Castro?”

She whispered it outloud, reverent as a prayer, the name dying right before her eyes as the form moved closer through the misty clouds before her, the figure solidifying out of her former delusion.

It wasn’t strange for her to think this. It was a male, roughly the same size as Castro, a similar gray and silver laced pattern adorning his coat. But definitely different, far more ethereal and, if you could apply this word to a tom, beautiful than the rough-edged tom of her dreams. Silly of her to imagine anything different. The only cat who had broken her heart and she still worshipped him for it. The only real part of her life that had not been lifted onto a cloud of golden perfection. Now with this strange cat standing before her, it was impossible for her to think that he was ever coming back.

Now that she thought about it, studying him up and down with green eyes illuminated by the wet leaves above, she had seen this cat before. Definitely TealClan, the deputy in fact, if she wasn’t mistaken.

“Forgive me, I thought you were someone else, my mistake,” she said curtly. But she still didn’t take her eyes off him. One eyebrow raised however, at his gentle question, half-expecting him to run her away from the border. If it had been any other male, she would have rolled her eyes, and have gotten ready to shoot back a cynical remark or a bubbly giggle, depending on what the situation called for. Typical males. But for him, she didn’t think that was the case. He, a mesmerizing presence that rivaled her own would surely not be so dumbfounded by her appearance as the rest of them.

“No, I’m not,” she answered, was unable to stop the words from tumbling out. Why didn’t she just say she was fine? She had slipped that particular lie numerous times before. She had been telling others she was fine her whole life. “Will you sit with me?” she asked, expecting that he would refuse, half-hoping he would. If she was to pour her heart, a stranger would hardly want to hear it, especially from a rival clan at that. But even if she didn’t, even if no words were exchanged, she was comforted by his presence. For once, she didn’t feel so alone.