guilt is a heavy burden [redstar.cc]

[redstar]

R E D S T A R;;
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At last, he had discovered the perfect metaphor: a rabbit leading a flock of sparrows. Sure, there wasn't the huge difference in physical appearance or skill; both CherryClan and BrookClan had been runners for generations. But there were other things... The sweet scent that clung to the fur of all CherryClanners, despite the dizzying distance between the clan and their beloved cherry trees; their general lack of fighting ability (most CherryClanners excelled at hunting in particular); obvious companionship (this one was pretty big); even their heroes were different... CherryClanner's praised the dead warrrior Hazefur, who had lived long fighting for his clan and died saving a kit-- of another clan. BrookClanners had airy, windy scents, both fighting and hunting talents, and idolized Swiftstar, who had been leader before Fernstar. But the one thing that effected Redstar the most was the companionship between the cats of his new clan. CherryClanners had always been pleasant, playful cats (they would have had to be to let a cat from another clan lead them). They felt between eachother a constant flow of comradeship and fondness. BrookClanners, of course, had adored their clan, but in a different way. BrookClanners were prideful, unable to admit defeat. They would have rather died then see the dignity of the clan ruined. CherryClan, however, cared more about each individual cat. They would have rather be split up than have anything happen to each other. It was something Redstar had trouble wrapping his head around, but he was beginning to understand.

It had been just over ten moons since Redstar had taken over leadership of the kind-mannered clan. 'Taken' wasn't a very good word for it, though... The responsibility had been more so handed to him. At first, he'd burried himself in reforming the clan, lifting it up after the painful blow of losing Nightstar. He'd focused on CherryClan alone, refusing to see the pain that lurked around every corner. He had blocked all thoughts of BrookClan and Fernstar's betrayal from his mind. Instead, he threw himself into learning each new clanmate by name, scent, voice, and nearly even stride. Redstar had even memorized the various relationships in the clan; such as how Ravenflight was Tawnystone's littermate, Firestone littermate of Brackenwing, and even the tight-knit bond between Brackenwing and a queen named Clearpool. He had even picked up bits and pieces others didn't know. Hazefur had been the grandsire of Brackenwing and Firestone. Apparently Firestone was the spitting image of his grandmother Scarletwing. More so than that, Redstar gleaned that Ravenflight and Nightstar had been the best of friends. Pantherstorm and Petaldance had been Clearpool's kits, the only remaining of a litter of five.

So he had come to care for them very much, even if they didn't feel the same in return. Redstar had openly mourned the deaths of Hazefur and Clearpool. All the same, there was something different about his fondness for CherryClan in comparison to his feelings towards his previous home. In BrookClan, Redstar had felt like he truely belonged. He'd had good friends [one in particular], an apprentice, and a clan that shared his thoughts and worries. BrookClan had moved as one, very similar to the way CherryClan lived. But Redstar would always be the clan's sore thumb, standing out against the rest of the clan. No matter how he tried, BrookClan would always be Redstar original and true home...

But that no longer mattered. The clan that had once existed was surely all dead by that point... Not that they'd take them back. With all his heart, Redstar wished he'd stayed with BrookClan, even as they faced doom. But betrayal still bubbled in his heart. He had been Fernstar's deputy; she hadn't once consulted him before enlisting the help that would inevitably destroy the entire forest. So many cats were dead because of her poor choice. A painful memory seared through him and he recalled the first death of them all-- one of their own. Sagepaw and Duckpaw had been very close-- perhaps even in love. It had torn at Redstar's heart to see his apprentice staring so blankly down at the she-cat he'd cared so much about. But it didn't even stop at that. Not long later, Sagepaw himself was the dead cat laid out in the center of the camp.

A flicker of movement pulled the ginger tom from his thoughts. He gratefully lifted his eyes from the floor of his den beneath the clan's small, cozy copse. Outside in the camp, his deputy sat surveying the camp. On the other side of the clearing were two apprentices, Stagpaw and Deerpaw. Redstar felt privledged to know he'd known those particular CherryClanners their entire lives. With their sister, Fawnpaw, the apprentices had been growing remarkably fast. Having been so long since he'd spent time around young cats, Redstar had forgotten how quickly the grew and changed. Each of the litter seemed to be growing into a different trait of their mother Brackenwing. Stagpaw was distant, but friendly, with a love of movement and, even more so, his family. Redstar had chosen to mentor Stagpaw himself, in a hope to integrate himself into the clan more. A flash of guilt moved threw him-- Stagpaw's training was often ignored. Next was Deerpaw, a strange but cheerful young she-cat who was quite often off in her own world. Fawnpaw carried her mother's bright and happy she-cat, eager to please and independent.

Redstar pulled himself to his feet, intending to go out and actually train his apprentice for once. As he slipped from his den, a shaft of sunlight momentarily blinded him, and he paused to blink quickly. When his vision cleared, Ravenflight had stood and was adressing the two apprentice. Redstar felt his heart sink. "Oh," he said quietly, not even considering telling his deputy that he would train Stagpaw himself. Eager to do something that would show how much he did care for his new clan, he cast his gaze about. It fell upon the young queen Ashenwind. Like Redstar, she too had been a BrookClanner. But things were different for her. She had been an outsider in BrookClan, not particularly close to anyone. In CherryClan she had at last found her place. She now had a mate and was the mother of five young kits. Envy burned briefly in Redstar, but he pushed it away.

His paws carried him easily to her side. "G'morning, Ashenwind," he said in a kind greeting, trying to mean it as much as possible. "How are the kits?" He was sure she was asked that a lot, but it was a good sign. Only a moon old and Ashenwind's kits were already much-loved by their clanmates...

What's the point of going on
When the world itself has abandoned you?

[starclan]

accepted as leader of cherryclan.
apprentice remains stagpaw.