find him [comet&bear]

[cometpaw]

» c o m e t p a w

She'd never felt this way before. Her heart was quaking and her paws shook. Dew clung to her fur. Exhaustion clung to every muscle of her body. There were several scratches on her nose, and she appeared to have broken a claw, a tiny amount of blood on her back right toes. Her fur was tusseled and in need of a good grooming.

But Cometpaw paid no attention to it. Her hazel eyes were casting about quickly, frantic and searching. She had to find him. Her paws were moving over the ground, a jittery jog. She moved just slow enough to be able to look around her often without running into anything. It seemed everywhere she looked, he wasn't there.

In the back of her mind, Cometpaw allowed herself to recognize the irony of that moment. The one cat she'd always ignored more than any others was the one she now hunted feverishly for. He was the one she never listened to, the one who's quiet patience was so far from her outspoken, impatient personality. But he was a part of her. She had never noticed it before, but he was important to her. Perhaps it was Brownspot and Gryffinwing's new kits or maybe the way Tallstone and Northwind were arguing lately, but she had become more and more aware lately of how much she needed him.

She had to find him.

He had always been there for her, giving her more support than their mother had even when she had been alive. He had always been the closest thing to a parent she'd ever had. When she had gotten in an argument with Cinderpaw and injured her paw, he had suddenly been there to help her back to camp, letting her lean on him. And now, the one time she knew he'd need her, she was letting him down.

She had searched all of RavineClan's territory over and over all night. Dawn was just beginning to break into the sky, a beautiful rolling orange and pink that promised a beautiful day. There was no sign of the cat she knew he needed.

How had she never noticed it before? Although it had never been a physical relationship, Bearpaw's closeness to the patched she-cat was comparable to Brownspot and Gryffinwing or Phantomsun and Hawkshadow. They had always played together when they were tiny, always hunted together as apprentices (of course, it didn't help that their mentors were mates). Missing was the cat who had always overlooked his slow speed and one blind eye. Gone was the ray of sunshine who had always smiled when Bearpaw entered the room.

Cometpaw wondered why she wasn't angry. Why didn't she hate that sweet, innocent traitor? Somehow, she found it didn't matter. All that matter was finding him.

She burst suddenly into camp, surprised how her paws had subconsciously led her there. It was quiet, very quiet. She ran in a circle around the small clearing. She heard tiny sleeping sounds from the nursery, quiet, sad whispers in the warriors' den, utter silence in the apprentices' den, and quiet, sleeping breathing from the leader's den where Phantomsun had started sleeping. She stopped in front of the medicine cat's den. It was elevated higher than the others. She leaped easily up to the ledge, peering in. A pair of pale amber eyes stared at her with utter brokeness. Cometpaw didn't allow herself the time to comprehend how Silverhawk was feeling. He, too, had been very close to Dreampaw. "Where is he?" she demanded at once. He seemed to understand at once who she was looking for, but gave no response. Growling in panic and annoyance, the dark brown apprentice slipped down from the ledge, eyes sweeping over the camp once more.

Where was he?

[bearpaw]

Bearpaw

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

The rising sun shone down in jagged streams of light into the apprentice den, falling upon the huddled form of a thick-furred apprentice. His breath came out in ragged gasps and his normally sleek gray pelt was matted and dirty after tearing through the forest in desperation. They never found her.

Not for lack of trying though. Phantomsun had most of the clan searching all night, including Bearpaw himself. It was all in vain. Every moment that past had drawn Bearpaw closer to the terrifying truth. Dreampaw had left RavineClan willingly.

He lifted his head to the light, his green eyes like chips of ice, even in the glory of the waking sun. His position was akward, his shoulders hunched, ears drawn back, giving the appearance of a broken doll, the soul sucked right out of him, leaving behind a lifeless corpse. His emotions had already flickered through fury, sadness, helplessness, finally settling into a comfortably numbness. Time moved in limbo, hours sped by and the minutes dragged their feet as Bearpaw lost himself in nightmares.

How could she? Even with his father’s death and his mother abandoning him, Bearpaw had always found comfort in the presence of Dreampaw. To say that he loved her, well, love was just a word, a label that diminished his feelings for her, how much he needed her just like air or water. Their relationship had always been as natural as the rain falling and Bearpaw had rejoiced in it, blissfully ignorant.

Dreampaw’s departure hurt him more than a father he had never known, a mother who had never cared, a sister who never saw past his imperfections. It was her he had opened his heart to, raw with expectations, hopes, and dreams. She saw him, past his one good eye, his methodical ways and had made him whole. She hadn’t even told him she was leaving. A fool he had been, to reveal himself unguarded, to expose his naked heart, to a she-cat who didn’t think he was worth an explaination, or even a good bye. A mistake.

But now he was exposed, open, and weak. He couldn't go back to the way things were, the patient mentor, the emotionless ally. You can't put a butterfly back into a cocoon. How could he walk back into camp, pretend that everything was ok, that he would be ok?

He had never had a quarrel with StarClan before. Even with his mother or his father. But this was too much and Bearpaw could feel the fury bitter on his tongue and the fire in his limbs, as he wanted to scream to the sky. But his mouth was dry with sorrow and his cries fell to the ground in silence. StarClan had once again turned their back on the gray-furred apprentice.

He was numb to his shaking body as he watched every tortured minute pass by, waiting for anyone or anything to relieve the pain.

[cometpaw]

» c o m e t p a w

The world seemed to have gone silent. Her ears seemed to have stopped working. She stumbled away from the ledge, breathing heavy. The ground beneath her seemed to tilt, and she almost fell over. Her legs bent, and the dark apprentice leaned close to the ground to keep herself steady. Her mind was feeling fuzzy. Where was Bearpaw?

Panic swept over her. She felt like he, too, had disappeared. She knew the loss of Dreampaw would hurt him beyond any words, but this... Like his patched friend, he had just walked away and not returned. She felt like she were drowning. For the first time in her life, Cometpaw knew she needed Bearpaw. She needed to see him lumbering through the camp, talking in his quiet, patient voice to Brownspot, watching her argue with Cinderpaw. She needed him to be there, even if it was just in the background. Unable to imagine a life without him, she rose shakily to her paws and stumbled for her nest. Her stomach was pleading for food, but her appetite was long gone. Dark brown paws pulled her slowly to the apprentices' den.

And, suddenly, she saw him.

He was right there, where she had already checked, his body looking utterly broken and lifeless. She moved with her previous speed once more, leaping to his side.

There was so much she wanted to say, but no words rose in her throat. She wanted to sob just looking at him. His usually well-groomed coat was even more dirtied than her own, matted in spots. His eyes looked dead. Deep within her chest, her heart ached for him. If he didn't leave his nest for days, she'd stay right there next to him every second of it. Cometpaw touched her rich brown cheek against his forehead, pulling her body around beside him. She closed her eyes and leaned against him, as she had done in the forest when her paw had gotten cut.

"Oh, my poor, poor Bearpaw," she whispered softly, her eyes blinking suddenly at how much her voice sounded like her mother all of a sudden. She pushed that thought away, hazel gaze softening as her eyes refocused on him. Her ears flickered back uneasily. She wanted to comfort him, but what was there that she could say?

[/quote]

[bearpaw]

Bearpaw

Bearpaw didn’t know whether he was awake or asleep, as he woke up shivering from nightmares to another one of the same magnitude. He didn’t feel the need to breath, eat, sleep, and the little movements he made felt robotic and awkward, not himself, out of control, as so much of his life had been up to this point. His heart wrenched and ripped apart, freezing into splinters that ripped his chest open. But he felt no pain, comfortably numb in his private circle of hell.

He was alone, or so he thought. Just as he was about to drift back into another drowsy delusion, he felt the warmth of a soft pelt pressed against his matted fur. “Dreampaw” he whispered, his voice hoarse and his lips cracked. She was the only one he imagined would ever show this much tenderness or compassion for him. He never even remembered being held by his own mother. But when his jade eyes lifted, blurred with tears, he barely made out a different but familler pelt of rich brown hues. He blinked, his eyes red-rimmed, not quite believing the vision that was presented before him. But there she was.

Cometpaw.

He imagined that she would have talked to him eventually, most likely to tell him to get over it or awkwardly ignore the subject all together. But to see her, pressed against his flank, her voice soft instead of sharp, it left him dumbfounded. “Cometpaw?”he asked, his voice shaking slightly, not really a question but more of an affirmation of her presence, that it was her there with him and not a hallucination of his grief stricken mind. With her by his side, he didn’t realize how much that aspect of their relationship that they seemed to lack. He had always pretended like everything was ok between them. When she brimmed over with passionate emotion, he reined himself back to become emotionless and quiet. When she fell, he lifted her up, only to be shoved aside as soon as she could manage on her own. But now, with her finally beside him, he realized that he would not have been able to get over this as easily as the other traumatic events of his life. Inside, he cringed at the thought, but he needed help.

He lowered his head, gray fur limp against his side. “She’s gone,” he whispered, not knowing whether she was listening or when this delusion would cease to exist, leaving him once again alone with his thoughts. “I should have know. Everyone eventually leaves me.” It was a rare moment of weakness for Bearpaw, having never uttered those words outloud before. He had to be strong, for his mother after his father died, for Cometpaw after their mother left, and for himself after Cinderpaw showed up into the picture. But he couldn’t hold up that façade any longer. He was simply too exhausted.